Not the Reich it used to be
by Timidderp
Summary: Berlin april 1945. Hitlers 1000 years Reich is doomed as the allies have devastated Germany and are closing in on his Berlin bunker. As all seems lost, a man - long thought dead - steps from the shadows wearing a Wunderwaffe, that could change the outcome of the war.


Hitler had raged for an hour. Denouncing the Wehrmacht, represented by the the hapless generals Krebs and Burgdorf. Scolding Göering and the Luftwaffe for its catastrophic defeat and the destruction of all major cities and productioncapabilities. Blaming Himmler and the SS for the setbacks on the Eastern Front and their inability to eradicate jewdom in Neuropa. Snubbed at Fegelein for being a no good golddigger. Even Goebbels had tasted the bitter taste of Hitlers reject during the hourlong lambasting. Only Bormann, standing behind Hitler, had avoided his harsh words.

All was now quiet except for the occasionally muffled explosion in the destroyed city high above the bunker.

No one dared move or speak. Death by summary execution was the norm these days with the russians standing at the gates of Berlin.

Suddenly the door, at the back of the small situationroom, was opened. There was a commotion. Feet shuffled. Surprised murmurs.

From the shadows in the back of the room stepped a sinister and gaunt-looking man in the uniform of a SS Obergruppenführer. His face covered by a black full-face mask. A SS deathmask of the same kind used when dead SS-dignitaries with mangled faces and bodies were put on lit-de-parade. Apart from the insignias of rank, the uniform was adorned with the highest decorations of The Reich. Many of them could only have been personally bestowed by the Führer. Some of them quite unique and belonging to a man long known to be dead.

Hitler, having spent his rage, sat exhausted, oblivious to his surroundings, not noticing the newcomer nor the commotion as people shuffled to get out of the way of the sinister appearance.

All went quiet. Only Hitlers laboured breathing was audible in the situationroom.

The stranger raised his arm in salute. "Heil my Fuhrer. I think I have found a way out of our predicament. One that would once again put us on track for the Endsieg now that the Wehrmacht have failed you". The strangers voice was deep and strangely discomforting. As if it came from someplace else.

Hitler, lost in his own thoughts, did not respond nor seem to notice the mysterious stranger.

"Who are you!? What you say there is an insult", said General Krebs furious.

"Do you not believe in the Endsieg?" Bormanns venomous voice cracked sharp at Krebs.

Krebs' discomfort at the question was obvious. "I meant the remark about The Wehrmacht. We have not forsaken you my Führer, nor our glorious national socialistic cause. Heil Hitler". He raised his arm in salute.

As per reflex all the others raised their right arm and shouted Heil Hitler.

Hitler, momentarily looked up. Eyes glazed. "Who speaks to me of the Endsieg? Who does not now that all is lost. That only the Götterdämmerrung awaits us? Leave me be. I choose the Freitod".

"My Führer", the sinister appearance continued. "It is I, Heydrich, The Blonde Beast. I have come back from the limbo between life and death, where man lingers for an eternity if he has unfinished business. I bring wonderful news. I have brought with me a Wunderwaffe that will surely change the tides of war!"

Hitler looked at the masked man. "Heydrich? The prodigal son? It is not possible. You were killed in Prague by anglo-jewish terrorists."

"Yet here I am. And i bring great tidings and a Wunderwaffe". And with these words he unbottoned his uniform jacket and a yellow creature became visible.

"A bomb! A Bomb! He has a bomb!". Göering flung himself to the other end of the small room knocking over a card table and several chairs. Himmler quickly sidestepped Bormann and found cover behind his bulbous body. The rest froze in a mixture of terror and amazement at the yellow head that peeked up over the top of Heydrichs trousers.

"Enough", Hitler shouted. "I know a bomb and a traitor when I see one. And this is niether. Göring you foul smelling pederast, control your rectum or i will have it sewed shut!"

A bad smell originating from Göerings trousers filled the room.

"I WOULD HAVE SHIELDED YOU FROM THE BLAST WITH MINE OWN BODY MY FÜHRER", Goebbels started eyeing the men next to Heydrich. Fegeliin being the closest to Heydrich, he continued, "HAD NOT FEGELEIN AND THE SS BARRED MY WAY!"

"A SS-man will unconditionally lay down his life for you my Führer", Fegelin quickly retorted and raised his arm in salute. "Sieg heil!"

"Sieg heil!" Answered the nazi-dignitaries.

"Enough with the heiling! Enough! Enough! Enough!", shouted Hitler. "How am i supposed to think with all this heiling. Heil me here, heil me there, what is it with you men!?"

The room fell silent.

The yellow creature looked at the nazi-dignitaries with large round yes filled with joy and amazement. "Pikachu!", it said almost with a whisper. The red mossed cheeks raised in an endearing smile. "Pikachu!?"

"What a strange creature, Hitler continued. So … happy and sweet. What is it?", he asked Heydrich. "What does it do? Why is it a Wunderwaffe?"

"It is a Pokemon, my Führer. Its from a parallel universe. There are all kinds in different evolutionary stages. All are able to absorb different kinds of energies from nature and direct them against a foe." He patted the yellow creature lightly on the head, "I call him Pikachu. Having penetrated him with my penis i hold him content and at the same time can control him and direct his energies. I know it might seem a bit …"

"Are you fu.. fu.. fucking that?!", Generel Krebs blurped out. "What kind of a degenerate ghost would do that?"

"Show me", Hitler said with an icy voice. "Demonstrate on Krebs".

Krebs froze, eyes fixed in terror on first Hitler then the yellow creature. The men next to him quickly stepped away.

"Please cover your eyes", Heydrich said. "Be gentle little friend", he continued in a soft voice. Holding the creatures shoulders with a soft touch he thrusted his hip forward.

The explosion of energy was instantaneous, blinding and ear deafening knocking most af the men off their feet.

A sharp smell of ozone filled the room.

"Is all ok", Hitler having covered his eyes peeked cautiously between his fingers.

"Heil mein Führer", said a muffled voice. "Heil … heil …", heils came from all corners of the small room.

"Enough with the heiling, I said! Krebs? Are you ok?", Hitler asked in the general direction where Krebs had been standing.

"Krebs is no more", said Heydrich. "He is nothing but ashes blowing in the wind", he continued bending over and grabbing a handful of ashes from the place where seconds before Krebs had been standing. "Blowing in the wind!"

"Donner und Wetter!", Himmler exclaimed. "When we turn the war around with this Wunderwaffe, it will seem like a miracle to the religious, and to all true nationalists as a confirmation in their unfaltering belief in the Führers genius. I shall dedicate an entire team of crack race-scientist to it at once! Before noon, my Führer, you will have a basic outline of their history, where they fit in in our Weltanschauung. Also, might I suggest my Führer", at this point he blushed, "that you have your picture painted with the weapon strapped on. I Think it would be good for morale".

"EXCELLENT! IDEA!", Goebbels chirped in. "I WILL ANNOUNCE A SPEECH IMMEDIATLY!"

"My new Wunderwaffen-jetplanes can drop my paratroopers equipped with this weapon behind enemy lines and rip them apart! We can bomb London again! Destroy Moscow! New York!", Göering added. "The Luftwaffe will be redeemed!".

"In the meantime a change of trousers will do", smirked Burgdorf.

Eager and excited faces all turned to Hitler.

For a moment Hitler was wholly lost in his own thoughts. Then he straightened himself. And with the same daring voice that had once seduced a whole nation, he said. "We can do all that. And then some …"

Where to go from here? To London where Churchill and the Tommys have their own dirty weapon? Small rainbow coloured ponies capable of turning even the most timid heterosexuals into raving gays? Or to russia where Stalin and cohorts have succeed in awakening The Old Ones? Or perhaps Washington where sinister forces have summoned a yellow-haired and foulmouthed prince from hell?


End file.
